Back to School

Graduation Weekend

I'd planned on getting to this post much earlier in the week, but apparently that didn't happen! It was certainly a whirlwind weekend, though quite enjoyable! I'll try to summarize briefly and of course include some pictures.

Everyone came to town on Friday evening. Ethan went nuts over seeing his BeBe (my maternal grandmother) in person, and even though this was only the 4th time he'd seen her, he was calling for her all weekend long (and all of this past week, too!). On Saturday, after breakfast with my dad and a trip to the farmer's market, my mother-in-law came over in the morning to build me an herb garden for my graduation gift. It's amazing! Then we spent some time playing (mostly with water balloons) before Ethan's nap:

After Ethan's nap, I was able to nurse him quickly before my dad and I headed off to get seats for graduation. We got there right when the chapel was supposed to open, and yet we still ended up in the 3rd to last row!!! I headed off to the div. school chapel where all the graduates were to gather, and there were some mighty pissed off people whose parents were stuck in overflow seating already! After an hour catching up with friends and enjoying the moment, it was time to process in.

The graduation itself was full of mixed feelings. While I was trying to focus on the moment, my mind kept getting distracted by all the crying babies. "Was that Ethan? It sounded too young. That couldn't be him. Could it?" I did hear a laugh that sounded a lot like him (and indeed it was) and found out afterwards that he was as happy as could be, sitting in Grandma's lap and playing with her iPhone. I'm quite proud of how well he did, in fact, especially considering graduation lasted 30 minutes past his regular bedtime!

It was also full of mixed emotions for other reasons. In part, one of my friends from my first year spiritual formation small group passed away last fall from cancer. As we were seated, I asked the person next to me (also from our year) if that was our friend's wife sitting across the aisle. I'd only met her once or twice, but I was pretty positive. Sure enough, it was, and there was a very moving ceremony in which they awarded him a posthumous degree. I (and many of my classmates) couldn't hold back the tears thinking about what an amazing person he was and how much he's missed.

It was also full of mixed emotions because it was the end... but not quite. In a way, I'm actually thankful that I have to go back for one more class next fall because it allowed me to keep it together at graduation. This place has been so wonderful, and I hate to think of leaving. So while I was proud to have (almost) made it through, I'm so glad I don't have to say goodbye yet.

The dean of the chapel gave an amazing sermon, and then it was time for the hooding ceremony. After that, there was a time of community celebration (read: cheering), and then we recessed back up the aisle. I cannot describe how incredible it was to see Ethan waiting for me. He was just beaming, so excited to see his mommy. Seeing him, everything was worth it. And so I couldn't help absconding with him for the rest of the recessional!

We headed to our pre-determined meeting spot. Everyone soon joined us, and then it was time for pictures. By then, Ethan was quite sleepy, so we didn't get a lot of smiles out of him (save for when he started sticking his finger up his nose... he'd outright giggle every time I playfully yanked it out). Finally Ethan couldn't wait to nurse any longer, so we said our goodbyes as I nursed Ethan on the bench.

 The plan had been to change him into PJs, let him fall asleep on the way home, and stop at a fast food restaurant to pick up some dinner. Well, Ethan decided that was a bad plan. Instead, he spent the drive back laughing at his phone, talking away, and just celebrating the evening. I tried to quiet him down, and even recited his favorite book to him from memory, but by the time we got close to home, he was still wide awake. So Ethan and I were dropped at home so I could get him to bed while Daddy went to pick up Chick-fil-A (Everyone else in the family had the same idea, funnily enough!). Ethan went down almost immediately as soon as he got in his crib and slept just fine all night.

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend, and I'm so glad Ethan was there to share it with me! Now I just need to actually finish earning my diploma!

Busy Day = Hyper Toddler

It's been quite a day! Even though I finished my classes over a week ago and finished my final papers this past weekend, I still had some things that needed to be done on campus. So I decided to load up Ethan and take him on his first trip to campus since he used to come with me to class a year ago. All in all it was a wonderful day, though there were definitely a few hiccups.

We left at 9 to get there in time for my 10 o'clock meeting. Somehow in setting this up, I didn't think about the fact that we'd be traveling due west mid-morning when Ethan is most likely to try to fall asleep for a morning nap (even though he dropped it months ago, he still gets sleepy and has fallen asleep in the car as a result). So I spent the whole drive there trying to keep him awake and happy as he squirmed to get the sun out of his eyes. Once we finally made it to campus, I loaded him up on my back, and we climbed aboard for Ethan's first bus ride.

We started our day with a meeting with one of my professors to do my senior review (a graduation requirement in which you go over your senior portfolio). Ethan was a bit shy at first, but before long he was convincing the professor to get down on the floor with him to do a puzzle, and by the time we left, he was sitting in the professor's lap! This is the same professor who let me bring Ethan to class with me a year ago, and I'm so grateful to have such amazing teachers!

After the meeting, we headed down to the Cokesbury to get my rewards for taking the graduating senior survey: a new Common English Bible and a $40 gift certificate. I finally purchased my Book of Common Worship and had enough left over for some beautiful prayer beads. Then we headed to the chapel basement to see some of my old co-workers. No one was there when we arrived, so Ethan examined the nursery and nursed for a bit, and we caught up with two of my former co-workers as we were leaving. For our last errand, we headed to the university bookstore to pick up my graduation hood!

We chose the foot of a statue in the chapel quad as our lunch spot. Ethan scarfed down a Chick-fil-a grilled sandwich and was rewarded with his first try of a local popsicle shop's wares (this place has been featured in gourmet magazines, so this was an important milestone =P). After lunch it was time to head home. Here's where things got interesting.

The bus circle was closed down because there was a funeral at the chapel for some big shot in the community. As a sidenote, why in the world would it be necessary to have 4 hearses, a horse-drawn carriage-hearse, and 5 limos for one dead body?!?!? Anyway, rather than just moving the buses to the lower circle like they usually do for big events, they moved the bus stops all over campus. So we had to walk almost halfway to the parking lot just to get on the bus. I considered just walking the rest of the way, but with a toddler on my back and my arms loaded with bags decided it would be easier to just take the bus. I was wrong. As a result of the weird routing, they ended up skipping my bus stop. So the bus ride that should have taken 3 minutes ended up taking 30 as we had to go the entire length of the route.

Ethan was a great sport about all of this, even though we didn't get to the car until 1:00, 30 minutes after his usual nap time. I changed him, loaded him up into the car, and told him to have a good nap. I had decided to drive past our old house to kill time since I'd have to keep driving around as long as he slept. And Ethan decided not to nap in the car. By the time we could have been home if I'd gone straight there, Ethan had lost all patience. He began screaming just like he used to do on those long commutes home after class. I finally managed to calm him down by holding his hand, and when we were 10 minutes from home, he finally drifted off to sleep. So now I was almost home but had 2 hours to kill driving around. Awesome. It all ended up working out OK, though, and Ethan got a nice nap in.

Apparently all of the events of the morning coupled with his good nap led to Ethan being in overdrive. While I cooked dinner, he just ran laps around the house, chasing the kitties, laughing, and babbling non-stop. In fact, he continued to do the babble/run for the rest of the night, and I finally grabbed the video camera to capture the cute. Apologies for the nose in need of wiping... He was running around so much that I didn't notice it until afterwards.



I have no idea what type of toddler-ese that is, but it was cracking us up. Oh, and before I get a frantic phone call from my mom, that window has a toddler lock on it, and he's never unattended around it, so we're not going to have a Conor Clapton on our hands. Shockingly, he did end up going to bed with no problem! So despite a few issues, it was a very productive and enjoyable day!

Last Day of Class

It seems like only yesterday I was asking God for a sign I shouldn't leave Ethan (and ended up getting a flat tire), yet here I am, about 8 months later, done with my last class of the semester. I picked up my glass prayer cross from the chaplain's office. I submitted my senior portfolio. I picked up my div. school stress ball from the Office of Student Life. In less than a month, I'll be being hooded while family and friends look on. Four months from now, I'll start my last class of grad school, and in less than 8 months, I'll have my degree. Wow.

I was worried last August about being away from Ethan for 10 hours a week. How will he survive? How will I? Now I'm almost worried about being home for the next four months. No breaks? Little adult interaction? How will I survive? How will he? =P In all seriousness, while I'm looking forward to being done with papers and reading and focusing instead on play dates and parks, the brief respites class provided from motherhood were much more enjoyable than I had anticipated, and I can't say I won't miss them a bit.

And Ethan did just fine with my being gone. He liked his first sitter and absolutely adores his current one. That's not to say he didn't have times of missing his mommy, though. Oddly, this week, in particular, he's been upset to wake up and see Donna instead of me. He usually wakes up calling for Mama, and today he just cried Mama over and over again when Donna walked in, so she told him to let her know when he was ready to play with her instead. About a minute later, he called out, "Donna?" =)

I was also a bit nervous this semester about being back full time, but it's gone just fine. Since I have the "need-to-do" and "should-do" distinction down pretty well when it comes to reading, I read what I needed or really, really wanted to, and the rest just went by the wayside. And despite taking at least two of my classes pass-fail, I have an A in one, and an A-/B+ in the other (my directed study only has a final paper, and I haven't even written it yet, so no clue on my grade in there). Not too shabby!

I have two papers left to write, and then summer truly begins! Maybe I'll actually get back in the habit of blogging now!

Sitter Drama

Just a brief update to let everyone know about the recent drama and its subsequent resolution. A week prior to last Wednesday, Ethan's babysitter called about 2 hours before I had to leave for class to let me know she wouldn't be coming. She was out grocery shopping and began having blurred vision and dizziness and wasn't even sure she'd be able to make it home by herself. Thankfully, Ethan was able to spend the afternoon with Daddy so I could still get to class, but I was left with an uneasy feeling. What if she got dizzy again while watching Ethan? Her husband is a 20 minute drive away, so he wouldn't be much help. What if it happened while she was going up the stairs with him? I would never be able to forgive myself. So it was with a bit of relief that I received a call from her on Monday saying she probably wouldn't be able to watch Ethan for at least a couple of weeks until they figured out the cause behind her continued dizziness.

That relief was coupled with anxiety, however, because, while my class for that afternoon was cancelled, I was suddenly left with no one to watch Ethan on Wednesday and beyond. Since continuing to take time off work wasn't an option and I really didn't want to have to miss classes, we needed to find another sitter and fast! I contacted our neighbor who is currently between jobs and whom I trust completely with Ethan, but she's busy with freelancing and has her son's baseball games. Despite all this, she graciously offered to watch him on Wednesday since we wouldn't be able to find someone else in time.

In the meantime, the search was on. I contacted both pastors for suggestions. I contacted the people my neighbor suggested. I put out cries for help on social media. Nothing. Finally, I contacted the interim director of the preschool our church is starting next year, asking if she knew of anyone who had applied to be a preschool teacher who was currently looking for work. Instead, she offered to watch him! She's had years of experience working in and running daycares and preschools. She adores kids and kids seem to adore her. And the kicker? She only lives 2-3 minutes away. It's like it was meant to be!

So what was a pretty stressful situation for several days turned out better than I could have imagined. And now I can continue the precarious balance of full-time mom, full-time grad student...

So far so good

We're now a week into the new semester and, thanks to the MLK holiday, my two non-directed-study classes have each met once (my third class will only meet every other week and doesn't start until next Wednesday). So far I'm pretty excited about them! My Monday class is a Black Church Studies course and, while it's probably not a course I would have chosen if we didn't have to take a BCS limited elective, I absolutely love the professor and am pretty excited about the discussions we'll have. My Wednesday class is a New Testament course on Judaic-Christian relations, ancient and modern, with the professor with whom I took my New Testament exegesis course. He's the sort you either love or hate because he's not a typical divinity professor and has a reputation for being a tough grader. Thankfully, I love him and got an A the last time I took him, so I'm quite excited to learn from him again, especially since the topic is near and dear to me. The third class is a directed study in Christian education, focusing on children's ministry. I've, of course, had this professor many times since he's the main Christian ed person, and he is actually the professor who let me bring Ethan with me to class my first semester back, so he's very understanding of my situation.

The main accommodation I require from professors is leniency in returning from break. Each of my regular classes is a 2.5 hour seminar, so we get a 10 minute break about halfway through. 10 minutes is not enough time to get to the Women's Center and pump so I'm usually late getting back to class. My professor last semester was great and even extended the break for everyone to 15 minutes. My BCS professor was perfectly understanding and said we need to do whatever it takes to keep the baby happy. I was nervous about approaching today's professor, though, since he is more academic, aloof, and, well, male. He dismissed us early today so it didn't come up naturally, and I had to approach him after class. I explained that I would probably be late coming back from breaks because I need to use the lactation room during that time. He responded, "Oh, do you have a little one at home?" Without thinking first, I responded, "Nope. Just do it for fun." Thankfully he knows me well enough to know my sense of humor, and he laughed after it registered or else I could have gotten myself in some trouble for being such a smartass.

So things are going well! I definitely have a lot of work to do already, which means those long-promised blog posts aren't going to be coming any quicker. But in the grand scheme of things, this is such a short period of my life that I need to enjoy it while I can!

And so another break comes to a close...

Here I sit on the eve of the beginning of another semester. I've been back in grad school for a full year now. In some ways it's gotten easier. I've figured out some sort of a balance. I no longer have to drive two hours a day with a screaming infant in the backseat. I've gotten used to leaving him in someone else's care. But in other ways, it's just as hard, if not harder. I can no longer get much work done during his naps. Plus, in past terms, I've taken only two classes at a time, and the first term back I only had to go to one of them (the other being a directed study). This term, I'm taking three classes, all of which I will be attending. It could be an interesting semester...

This past break has seemed both quite long and very short. On the one hand, it seems like forever ago that I was last in class. On the other hand, I feel like I got none of the things done I'd planned on. I did no reading, for pleasure or for parenting. I got very few of my projects done. I basically just did the usual routines of cleaning, cooking, and everything necessary to keep a toddler alive and happy. I'm slightly annoyed with myself for not getting more done, but I certainly cherish all the time I got to spend just playing with Ethan.

So what all have we done this break? Some of those stories will have to wait for future posts, but I'll leave you with the following moment from earlier this afternoon. Ethan was playing with his new car, so I took the opportunity to run to the bathroom without him bugging me. I heard a door open, and when I turned the corner, he was pulling out his cardboard blocks from my coat closet and building a tower. He saw me, grinned, faked knocking it over, and then ran to get his car to crash into it. Then he set about building again. So here's a glimpse into a typical moment with my little boy:

The Grass Is Always Greener...

I remember when Ethan was younger, I longed for him to be just a bit older. Then, I figured, he could entertain himself and wouldn't need such constant attention. Once he's one, surely I'll be able to get more done. HA! Hahahahahahahaha!!!

True, he can entertain himself, but what I didn't realize is that his form of entertainment is finding new ways to try to break his neck or choke on small objects. Whereas at 4 months, I could sit him on a quilt with a toy and work on a paper, now the only way I can get any school work done is if he's asleep or being watched by someone else. Otherwise, every other sentence would be stopped by having to track him down, either because of a loud crash or because he's just too quiet... and, as you other moms know, the latter is by far worse 90% of the time!

I try to console myself by saying surely in a few months or at most a year he'll have developed some sense of right and wrong, safe and unsafe. But in the back of my mind I know that age will only bring more mischief to get into...


On a more positive note, yesterday I capped off my week of productivity by writing one of my final projects, basically start to finish. I'd gotten a slight start on it earlier in the week (like a page), but after Ethan's post-morning-nap nursing, he went off with Daddy to run errands, and I got to work. 5 hours later, stopping only to nurse, eat a quick lunch, and get him down for a nap, I had 30 pages! And after Ethan went to bed last night, I did a final revision before sending it off. It's amazing what you can get done with 6 hours of basically baby-free time! Now I just have one more final project (for my pass/fail class) and a final exam to cram for, and I'm done until January!

My Definition of Productivity

I'm not sure that this definition of "productivity" would fly for a non-SAHM-to-a-toddler-while-also-in-grad-school, but this week cannot be described as anything other than productive, in my opinion. First a brief catch-up from the past couple of weeks:

Just after getting over the stomach virus, Ethan caught my cold. It wasn't TOO bad, and it was over after a few days. On the 20th, I was leading worship at church, so Ethan was going to sit with his daddy the whole time. As I kissed him goodbye, I noticed that his nose was running, but I figured it must be allergies or something random like that because SURELY my kid wasn't getting another cold, less than two days after I packed up the humidifier from the last one. By that evening, he was completely stopped up and had a fever. So I spent the night with him in the guest room, trying to get him to sleep as his fever soared to 103.3 at its highest. Not fun. But thankfully he only had 36 hours of fever, and that was the only all-nighter for me. I did come down with his cold, complete with fever, a couple of days later, but we were both feeling better in time for Thanksgiving, for which I cooked a complete feast, even though it was just the three of us. Ethan flattered me by putting his toddler pickiness aside long enough to try a bite of everything:


So between caring for a sick toddler, being sick myself, and preparing for Thanksgiving, blogging was about the furthest thing from my mind. I have posts in my head for toddler breastfeeding, a photo tutorial on making longies from a thrift store sweater, and other fun things, but for now, back to the original topic of this post.

In the past week, I have:
- Gone to my last week of class for the semester
- Started one of my final projects
- Deep cleaned the refrigerator, which included taking EVERYTHING out, scrubbing all the shelves and drawers, washing the walls, etc.
- Semi-deep cleaned the dishwasher, which included scrubbing everywhere that food could build-up (but not taking the shelves out because they get cleaned every time it runs) and running a vinegar cycle
- All of my usual weekly cleaning
- All of my usual laundry, including diapers every other day and including my monthly diaper stripping routine
- Preparing dinner each night according to my weekly meal plan (a new habit I'm trying to get in to avoid last-minute-dinner-headaches)
- Fixing a few extra meals for the freezer
- Going to student health for my yearly physical
- Going to the dentist for my (12-months overdue...) semi-annual cleaning
- Researching and purchasing a chest freezer since our side-by-side is overflowing with frozen produce from the CSA, meat from stocking up when it's on sale, freezer meals both made and purchased, and my breastmilk stash

Again, this may not seem like much, but imagine doing all of this while watching a toddler who just this week discovered he can climb on bookcases, take DVDs out of cases and try to eat them, climb on coffee tables, climb out of play pens (are we sensing a climbing trend here?), and who throws a screaming tantrum any time you try to stop him from doing any of these activities. Then add hour-long meals and snacks since he also decided he doesn't want to eat ANYTHING you offer him the first 100 times. Then see how much you get done and what you consider to count as productivity =)

It's been a good week. Now I just need to hammer out these final projects and study for a final, and then I can "relax." But that's a definition for another day.

Ethan Oliver's busy, busy house!

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, thus the blogging silence. Between a trip to Atlanta with just Ethan and me (more on that in an upcoming post) and a lot going on at school, I just haven't had time to sit down and write about all we've been up to. So here's a brief catch-up.

Classes are going well. We're rapidly approaching midterm, but since I have no midterms, that doesn't mean much. However, it does mean that I don't have to go to class at all next week due to mid-semester reading week. So yay! The past couple of weeks have involved a lot of work, though. From papers to exegetical questions to a presentation, all on top of seemingly endless reading, I've been staying up late and working through naps trying to get it all done. And so far I have, though I'm ashamed to say cleaning the house sometimes gets left behind, hopefully to be made up on weekends. I've done well with cooking dinner, still, so that's something at least, and the crock pot and I have become BFFs. I know this will all be worth it when I have that degree in my hand, but it seems like such a long road to get there. And that's partially literal since the commute is probably the worst part, mainly because it feels like pointless time away from Ethan.

So how is Ethan adjusting to the change now? First of all, he LOVES his sitter. Like, to the point that he will reach for her when I'm holding him. Clara has finally gotten the diapering down for the most part, and she accepted the challenge of getting him down for his afternoon nap on Wednesdays with gusto. Speaking of the afternoon nap, things have finally gotten closer to normal. He still cries when he's put down, but it's down to just a minute or two on most days. So I think he's finally adjusting. I hope.

In more general terms, Ethan is just awesome. For the past week or so, he's been sleeping late in the mornings, once even till 8:15! I figured this would mean a decrease in naps, but he's still taking a 1.25 hour nap in the morning and takes at least a 1.5 hour nap in the afternoon, though lately it's been closer to 2.5 hours! He's also been extremely cuddly since we got back from Atlanta and gives kisses AND hugs on demand now. The kitties have been subject to this extra-cuddliness, too, and his favorite new thing to do is run up to them, wrap his arms around them, and bury his head in their fur. He also waves anytime someone says "Say bye-bye/night-night!," waves at animals he sees on our walks, and even waved at a neighbor who waved from her passing car! He has now said "bye-bye" in front of both Grandmama and Clara, but he's yet to say it within earshot of his mommy and daddy. The little mischief!

Before this turns into one of my usual novels, I'll wrap this up with promises of a picture-filled post about our Atlanta trip, plus the next installment of "Mommy Must Haves." If I can ever find the time!

The Mommy Guilt Is Strong with This One

It was a rough weekend. It was stressful and frustrating. And it's completely my fault.

Ever since I went back to class, Ethan has been fighting his afternoon nap. It makes complete sense. Sometimes when he wakes up, Mommy has disappeared, so if he just doesn't go to sleep, Mommy can't leave, right? I hated that he's having a hard time, but I had faith that it would get better in time. Except that it's getting worse.

Now, Ethan has never gone down for his nap quite as easily as he goes to bed at night, but pre-school, it was only a few seconds of fussing after I closed the door, almost never more than a minute. My second day of class, it took about 10 minutes. By the third day, 20. For the next week, regardless of whether or not I was actually leaving, it was taking him 20-30 minutes to get to sleep, often full of cries of "Mama! Nah nah nah (no no no)!"

Then on Friday, it took 2 hours. I checked on him every couple of minutes to make sure his diaper was fine and to reassure him. I changed him 4 times. I picked him up and rocked him several times, but he kept crying. He would fall silent for 10 or so minutes and I'd think he was finally asleep. Then I'd hear babbling. Then after a few minutes of babbling, he's start fussing so I'd go back in. Rinse and repeat. It was awful. But surely it was just a fluke, right?

On Saturday, I anxiously rocked him, reassuring him that I'd be there when he woke up. I placed him in his crib, he looked up at me, and he howled. Over the next hour, I rocked, I changed diapers, I patted, I kissed, he screamed. Finally he was quiet so I started on my school work. After about 15 minutes of working, I went downstairs to clean. And then I heard it. Babbling. And sure enough, it quickly turned into crying. More rocking, more changing, more cuddling, more crying. Two hours after I first put him down, he finally went to sleep. And now it was my turn to cry.

How could I be doing this to him? Is it really worth putting him through this? Maybe I should just go ahead and give up before I invest too much time into the semester and do too much damage to my son. He is the most important thing in my life, and here I am causing him such pain and anxiety. What the hell should I do?

Today was a bit better. I tried staying in the nursery, but that only made him cry harder, so once I left it only took about 10-15 minutes for him to go to sleep. I won't be leaving again until Wednesday and since I have to leave at the time I usually put him down for a nap, I'm going to let Clara try her hand at getting him down. That way, Ethan will see me leaving so it won't be a surprise, and maybe he'll go down better for her. Or maybe he won't nap at all. We'll see.

To add to the anxiety, I haven't been able to pump more than a couple of drops the past few nights, which has never happened twice in a row before so now I'm worried about my supply. I've noticed I haven't been getting as much when I pump the past couple of weeks. Just when I thought supply anxieties were behind me. ::sigh::

Despite all of this, I'm determined to savor tomorrow. The last day of his first year. The last day of bottles. The last day of formula. The last day of infanthood. It's been the most amazing year of my life.

Back to School, Back to School... (v. 2.0)

I had meant to write this entry before today, but I put it off due to denial, I think. As I mentioned before, I've had very mixed feelings about returning to grad school this semester. This time, I'm leaving Ethan at home with someone from our church, which means if anything happened, it would take me at least an hour to get to him. Plus, since I have to leave during his afternoon nap, he will wake up three days a week to find Mommy has disappeared. I know he'll get used to it, but that doesn't make it any easier to leave.

On the one hand, I'm glad to get a break. For almost 11 hours a week, I don't have a baby hanging off of me. I don't have to listen to him scream on the commute. I get to delve into the material I love, enjoying adult conversations utilizing words like theodicy, apokatastasis, and even arsenokoites. I genuinely enjoy going to class, listening to lecture, and engaging in discussion.

On the other hand, for almost 11 hours a week, I don't get to hold and cuddle with my baby. I miss out on at least one nursing session. I have to worry about what he's doing and if he's OK. I miss out on his life.

Yet on the other hand, it's important that I finish my degree. I cannot move forward with ordination without it, which means I would not be fulfilling my call, nor be as able to find a ministerial job. While the time spent away from him is a sacrifice, it is one for my, and our, future.

Then again, on the other hand, we're spending a decent amount of money for a sitter so that I can PAY to go to school. It's not like I'm going to work, earning money to offset the expense of childcare. Heck, 6 of those 11 hours are just spent driving to campus and taking a bus from my parking lot. I'm paying someone to watch my son so that I can listen to the radio and listen to undergrads talk about who they "banged" at the party last night (true story). It just doesn't make sense!

Since I've more than run out of hands, I'll move on from my ambivalence to recap the first day:

To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I've left Ethan here when I went to class before, but he was with my mom. While I trust Clara, our sitter, a great deal, that's still not the same as family. A bit about Clara first. She first asked if she could babysit Ethan when I was still pregnant. I know the other families she's sat for, and I see how much those kids love her. She's come over three times before to learn the ropes and get Ethan comfortable, and he loves her. But still, she's not Mommy, so I didn't know how he would react.

Clara came about 8 minutes before I needed to leave. We chatted for a few minutes, and just as I was walking out the door, Ethan woke up. We quickly discussed who should go to him, and I ultimately decided to go ahead and go so that I wouldn't upset him by coming in only to immediately leave. I waited in the doorway to the garage, listening, though. He stopped crying when the nursery door opened. A few seconds of silence. A cry at the realization that it wasn't Mommy. And then more silence. I left feeling good about how it would go. Nevertheless, as I drove away, I silently wished for an excuse or a sign to go back home. Driving past a fender-bender, I mused that would by God's way of telling me not to go to class. Heck, even a flat tire would do the job!

When I was less than 10 minutes from campus, in the sketchiest part of the sketchy city I go to school in, I heard a thump and then rumbling. Oh no. I pulled into the parking lot of an urban ministry center and got out to investigate. Flat tire. Crap. Thankfully, I have AAA, so I made the call and was told they would be about 45 minutes, bringing me to 15 minutes after my class was supposed to start. I left a message on my professor's office phone and waited. ((Yes, I do know how to change a flat, but I was worried I'd do it wrong, and in this part of town, I really just wanted to stay in my car)) It only took about 20 minutes, so five minutes before my class started, I was back on the road. I found my new parking lot easily and only had to wait a few minutes for the bus. I raced to my classroom, and amazingly, I was only 15 minutes late. I whispered "Flat tire" to the professor, took a seat, and was reassured by a classmate that I hadn't missed anything =)

After a brief intro to the course, the professor let us out early, so once I apologized again to the professor, said hello to a couple of friends, and got a textbook from the bookstore, I headed home and back to my baby. The bus seemed to take forever, and I sat through two cities' rush hour traffic, but I made it home. Ethan was already in the arms of his daddy, and he seemed pretty thrilled to see me.

Apparently, things went pretty well while I was gone. He started searching for me shortly after I left and burst into tears when he realized I wasn't there, but Clara managed to distract him. He eventually took his bottle, but she had a little trouble with the diapers. Three diapers, one outfit, and a puddle on the carpet later, he was wearing a Polo shirt and no pants when we got home. Hopefully she'll get the hang of it quickly.

So there it is. Sorry this got so long, but you know how I like to record things for posterity. All in all, it was a stressful day, especially with the flat, but we survived. Now to do it all over again tomorrow.

Tetelestai! (or not)

On a happier note, I just submitted my last final paper for the semester and am therefore done until August! This has left me with mixed feelings. On the one hand, I'm proud to have headed back to school just as I'd planned. And to top it off, I did well! I got an A in my graded course and will get a P in the other one (Thank goodness for pass-fail! I may only end up with a B+ or A- in the course since I certainly slacked off a lot, but I definitely at least passed). So I proved I can do grad school with an infant.

Then on the other hand, I'm reminded constantly that I should be graduating here in two weeks. All of my friends are posting status updates about submitting their last paper of div. school or their last paper of school EVER, and here I am with another year and a half. I could ignore the countdowns until graduation because they were still abstract. But then came senior cross day. And closing convocation. And the senior picture. Not to mention commissioning interviews, job interviews, and appointments. All the things I should be doing now, but I'm not. And yes, I'm doing something incredibly rewarding in raising my son, but I still have a feeling of being left out. As I hugged one of my friends goodbye on the last day of class, we realized we very well may never see one another again. The week after graduation, she's moving back to Texas, and while there are always conferences and continuing ed., our friendship may be relegated to emails and facebook. For some reason, leaving high school and college friends didn't hit me as hard. Perhaps because we were leaving at the same time or I was the one leaving early. Now I'm the one left behind.

And yet, I cannot fathom graduating and looking for a job right now. Maybe it's because I'm fully entrenched in the world of motherhood. But I'm glad my time at the div. school isn't over (even though I might wish for an end to the commute and I certainly don't look forward to leaving Ethan next year). I love the people, I love the classes, I love the reading, I love the places. It's comforting and engaging and enjoyable. And I'll still have some friends there next year, between Ph.D/Th.D. students, professors, and a few 1st and 2nd years I know, plus student pastors and M.Div/MSWs that entered my year. And several of my friends are staying in the area so I'll still see them, even if not in class.

And so with mixed feelings, I say goodbye to many of my friends of the last three years and look forward to my first summer of freedom since the summer after high school (the summer after college doesn't really count since it was full of wedding plans and moving). And I'm looking forward to my fall classes, which helps, too. It may take me an extra year, but I'm going to press on and finish strong!

Better Days, Normal Days

I haven't posted anything in a while in part because I had my first post-baby paper due last week (which I finished the night before, but at least I finished it!) and in part because nothing special has been going on. Last Thursday was a much better day than the week before. Even though I had parking issues yet again (though this time I wasn't worried about being towed at least) and even though I went to class with baby pee on my jeans and spit-up on my shirt, Ethan had fun playing with my friend Gillian while I was in class, and that's all that matters. He definitely missed his mommy though, as evidenced by his screaming in his car seat on the way home for the first time in a couple of months because he couldn't get to me and by his burrowing frantically into my chest after he fussed through playtime with Daddy.

No big plans for the weekend. We went this morning to Target to get some things and for their Dr. Seuss storytime event, but the rest of the day, I'm just going to be working on my next paper, making a big batch of pesto to freeze (I made tomato sauce yesterday), and finally making Ethan's first baby food to freeze for whenever we decide to start solids. Tomorrow will be church, laundry, and catching up on my cleaning since I got behind due to my paper this week. All in all, relaxing, normal, and wonderful!

What a day...

I feel the need to record yesterday's events for posterity and so, when I think I'm having a bad day, I can look back and perhaps it won't seem so bad. This is going to get long, so feel free to ignore this entry. To begin with, Ethan was up a couple of times during the night, so I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked. Then he only napped 30 minutes for his first nap so I was faced with the following decision: Do I leave for class immediately after his next feeding as originally planned so I can spend some time with friends at Live at the Lampstand or do I skip it in order to let him get a decent nap at home? Since Ethan comes first, I decided on the latter. I had just gotten him down for a nap when I get an email from my friend who was supposed to be watching him during class, letting me know that she's sick and wants to go home but would be willing to watch him if I really needed her. Obviously, I told her to head home, and I'd just take him to class with me. Not ideal, but not a huge issue, especially since I'd done it before. As soon as I send the email, my iPod goes black and won't turn back on, adding just another thing to the list of what's gone wrong.

Ethan woke up after just an hour-long nap, but it's just in time for when we need to leave, so at least I didn't have to try to transfer a sleeping baby to the car seat. He is wonderful on the drive there, not making a peep except for batting at his toys. As I drive up to the parking garage, I say a prayer that it won't be reserved for an event like last time. Of course, the entire thing was reserved for a funeral, so I rushed over to the chapel circle in hopes of sweet-talking the guard. I apparently didn't think about the fact that the circle would be filled with funeral-goers as well. The guard said there was no way he could let me in, so I asked him where I could park since I had my son with me and needed to drop off a check at the bursar and take something to the chapel (both true, but I left out the part about going to class since the circle is essentially for drop-offs only). He must have taken pity on me because he pointed out the one available space and let me through. At this point, I knew I couldn't get to the chapel, so I headed to the bursar to turn in a reimbursement check they mistakenly sent me before realizing their mistake and sending me a bill for that amount. Unfortunately, the bursar apparently moved way across campus last year, so I guess I'm going to have to mail a payment and hope there's no issue because there's no way I'm going all the way there.

At this point, I'm really frustrated because I didn't get to do my fun activity, I didn't get to do either of my non-class tasks, and I'm terrified my car will be towed because the guard knows exactly where I'm parked and can see how long I'm there (though, since the entire circle was triple-parked, there's no way I could have left anyway, so at least I might have an argument). By now, I need to go feed Ethan if I'm going to get to class in time. Of course, he was too interested in his surroundings to nurse or take the bottle, so it took me forever to feed him. Thankfully, though, I got to see a lot of friends I hadn't seen yet (and who hadn't seen Ethan) during our breaks of walking around before trying to eat again. I finally get him to take all but the last ounce or so, so we head to class. He does well for the first 45 minutes until he starts fussing for a nap. I leave class, get him to sleep, and return. However, the nap only lasts 30 minutes, when that nap usually lasts 2 hours. Unlike the last time I was in class, he wasn't happy to wait until after class to eat again, and after about 40 minutes of waiting patiently, he started trying to nurse through my sweater, so I gathered all our stuff and left with about 20 minutes of class to go (though class had basically wrapped up, and most of that time would be used for an evening prayer service). He only ate half his bottle, so I decided to go ahead and leave and offer the rest of it when we got home. And (praise the Lord!) my car didn't even get a ticket! Plus, Ethan was an extremely happy baby, laughing loudly on the changing table to the delight of everyone within earshot. He even took a brief nap on the way home, so he got a total of 2.5 hours of naps, about half his usual amount.

As I feared, this lack-of-naps led to a rough night last night as he fought sleep and woke up twice within the first few hours and got up at 6 this morning. Plus, I was so stressed from the day that I didn't get to sleep until almost 2. Thankfully, I was able to get him to do a morning re-start so I got an extra 1.5 hours of sleep while he napped in the crib this morning, and he's been back to his usual schedule today. All-in-all, it could have been a lot worse, but it could have been a lot better. Hopefully my friend scheduled for next week will come through and I'll be able to park in the garage with no issue next time!

Working and Playing

How am I supposed to get any school work done when I have this to look at by my desk?




The answer? I'm not.

GTHCGTH!

One of the littlest Blue Devils all decked out for the Duke-Carolina game!

Back to School, Back to School...

I've been back in class for 4 weeks now, so it's about time I blogged about it. Overall, things have been going pretty well! I do my reading during his naps, and, while I often don't have time to do all of the reading, especially since I often clean and cook during his naps, too, I wouldn't do all of the reading even if I didn't have an infant to care for, so it's working out fine. I'm only a part-time student, so I'm just taking two classes instead of the usual four. Of those two classes, I'm taking one as a directed study so I don't have to actually go to the class, and I'm taking the other one pass/fail, so I don't have to worry as much about that one grade-wise. It's a fantastic set-up!

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find someone to watch Ethan every week during my 2.5 hour class. The first week, a good friend watched him. The second week, my mom was in town so she watched him at home. The third week, that class was canceled. This past week, I decided to try an experiment. I have two friends that are going to watch him once a month which leaves 2 weeks with no one to watch him (my mom will be in town another week in March). With no one to watch him this past week, I brought him to class with me. I was a bit nervous, not knowing whether he would sleep or cry the whole time, but it went great! He was happy for the first 30 minutes, looked ready to fuss so I took him out for 10 minutes to get him to sleep, he slept for 30 minutes, and then he was (shockingly) happy for the rest of class! The first time he blew a raspberry, the professor started cracking up, and when he was smiling sleepily around the class after he woke up from his nap, the professor got distracted and started baby-talking to him. Definitely NOT what I expected from this professor since he's always been a bit awkward. About half the class is made up of some of my best friends at the div. school so I wasn't worried about them, and thankfully no one else minded having a baby in the room (one of the many good things about divinity school is that it's very family-focused), and at the end, the professor said Ethan was welcome back any time and was even disappointed when I told him it wouldn't be a regular occurrence.

It's definitely not easy. There's an added level of stress when I either have a friend watching him (Will he be OK with them? Do they know how to get him down for a nap?) or have him in class (Will he start crying and disturb everyone? Will I miss something important if I leave class?). It's also not easy trying to take notes with a wiggling infant in your lap. Plus, there are only so many hours of naps in a day so several times I've had to try to get him to entertain himself so I could finish an assignment. Hopefully that part will get easier as he gets older, and the term hasn't been too paper-heavy so it's mostly just reading and short writing assignments.

All in all, I'm glad I decided to go ahead and start back this term instead of waiting for the fall. I feel good about my grasp of the material, and I don't even think my grades will suffer. It's still up in the air whether or not I'll take 2 or 3 classes a term next year (which will determine whether I have to go back in Fall 2012), but I won't be making that decision until the fall classes are announced in March. Hopefully I'll be able to keep the trends of the past week up through the end of the semester!