Army Crawl

Apparently Ethan takes after his mommy, who also refused to crawl normally:



Sorry the video cuts off rather abruptly. We hadn't erased any videos since he was born, and the Flip was full!

Awestruck

Every mother has that moment when she first holds her baby that she just cannot fathom how she grew and birthed this little creature. They are awestruck by how amazing their child is. This is to be expected. What I didn't expect was to still have those feelings over six months later. I always look at Ethan with love, but sometimes when I look at him, my breath catches in my throat, and I'm struck by disbelief and, well, awe.

For example, the other day, I was sitting on our bed with Ethan, and he was "crawling" around on my legs, and I just could not believe this was the same little peanut that showed up on the ultrasound screen last January. I nurtured this child in my womb, I birthed him into this world, I nourished and comforted him to the thriving human being he is today. How surreal! This little person who has such an amazing personality, who has such definite tastes and opinions already, this is the same wiggling and squalling newborn they placed on my chest over six months ago.

And now that I think of it, I don't think this sense of being awestruck ever will go away. As he grows older, if anything, I think it will become more intense. I wonder if my mom still looks at me and thinks, "I nurtured this child in my womb, I birthed her into this world, and now here she is, creating and caring for another human life. How surreal!"

Teething can bite me

So when Ethan's first tooth broke through earlier this week, I had hoped his teething would get easier since the hardest part was done. Boy was I wrong. On Thursday, he became so fussy while I was in class that I had to leave early because he was refusing to go down for a nap. As soon as I picked him up, he was fine, but when I handed him back to my friend so I could return to class, he would pucker and wail. I had thought this was just his usual separation anxiety that's been cropping up lately, but he woke up 3 times that night, once for almost an hour, and then was fussy off and on all day yesterday. He didn't want to nurse as long as usual, he wasn't napping as well, and he refused to be put down for most of the day.

Then last night. Oh, last night. It began as the night before with him waking up at 9, 10, and 1. And again, like the night before, he didn't want to go back in his crib after the 1 AM waking. But this time, he REALLY didn't want to go back in his crib. He'd nurse or rock to sleep, but as soon as I put him down, he was wide awake, arms reaching to be picked up, and a wail at his lips, ready to escape if I didn't immediately reach for him. He only wanted his mommy. Daddy, his seahorse, his aquarium, none of these would suffice. Finally, after two mediocre nights of sleep the two days prior and only 2 hours thus far that night, I was too exhausted to fight him anymore and cuddled up with him in bed. After a few minutes of wanting to play, he passed out asleep and snuggled up next to me until 7:30 this morning. He stirred a couple of times, but all I had to do was shush him and he went right back out. I have to give him credit for being absolutely adorable, though. If I wasn't so exhausted (and admittedly somewhat annoyed), it would have been even cuter.

So now I'm trying to write a paper on very little sleep. He's been in a better mood than yesterday and is currently napping well on my chest, so I have hopes that maybe tonight will be better. Who knew that the aftermath of getting his first tooth would be the hardest part of teething yet.

Sippy Cup Success!

We bought Ethan a sippy cup last weekend. Our first attempt with water was a fail as he wasn't expecting any liquid and got choked up. However, he LOVES holding it and sucking on it, so when he started refusing his bottle today, I poured the contents into his sippy cup. Success! Please excuse the cinematography. I had to hold the camera away from me so I had no clue what was in the frame.

Stretch Marks v. 2.0?

((For anyone who doesn't know, "Stretch" was Ethan's name in utero in order to satisfy his daddy's desire to have a child nicknamed Stretch or Skid and his mommy's desire to... well, not))

It seems like as soon as you have a kid, everyone starts asking when you're going to have another. So allow me to answer this publicly: not anytime soon. Having been pregnant while in grad school and currently having an infant while in grad school, I have no desire to experience either of those again.

It's funny to me that a lot of women have a strong desire to get pregnant again when their firstborn is mere months (or even weeks!) old. I love being pregnant, but I cannot imagine having two in diapers, much less two under two (or one). When I hear about people with kids around Ethan's age already trying for another, I wonder about their sanity. At least, I did wonder until a couple of weeks ago when two of my close friends had their babies. Now, these weren't the first of my friends to have babies since Ethan was born by any means, but for some reason, reading about them going into labor and seeing those first newborn pictures made me want a new little one to snuggle more than anything. For a few minutes at least before I came to my senses and imagined taking care of two infants while finishing my degree. Not so much. So suffice it to say it will be a while before Ethan has a little brother or sister to torment.

Speaking of which, having Ethan has completely changed my opinion regarding the gender of future progeny. I was one of those horrible people who just didn't understand why someone who already had a little boy would want their next child to also be a boy instead of a girl. Doesn't everyone want one of each? Now I get it. While I would be absolutely thrilled to have a girl, I would be just as thrilled to have a boy next, even if it means I never have a daughter. Every time I put away a cute little blue outfit, I lament that we may not have another child to wear it, and I can just imagine all the trouble Ethan would get into with a little brother. As a result, I definitely want to be Team Green next time because I will be just as thrilled with whichever result. However, if Ethan does end up with a little brother, he will probably either be nameless or named Ethan the Sequel because the chances of us finding another boys name we agree on is slim to none!

Thankfully, that decision is a long way off!

Six month appointment

Well, we can no longer make fun of Ethan's Uncle William about the size of his head...

Length - 26" (still at the 25th percentile)
Weight - 16 lbs. 8 oz. (moved up to about the 35th percentile!!!)
Head Circumference - 44.5 cm (moved up to the 75th percentile)

That's right. He's stayed at the same percentile for height, really is thriving in weight, and is skyrocketing up in head circumference! At 2 months, he was at the 25th percentile, at 4 months he was just over the 50th percentile, and now he's at the 75th! His brain is definitely growing fast.

He did awesomely with his shots. He fought the nurse tooth-and-nail over the oral shot (she said she'd never seen a baby so young be so clever about it - ergo, the big head). When it came to the actual shots, his face got red, he puckered, and he let out a long wail, but as soon as I picked him up, he grinned at the nurse and blew a raspberry. He continued to smile and flirt while I got him dressed and in the waiting room, and he played with his feet the whole way home. Now he's happily asleep on my chest, so hopefully he won't be as fussy this time, especially since he only got 2 shots this time.

In other news, the attempt at sweet potatoes this morning was a semi-success. He opened his mouth when he saw the spoon, but then he furrowed his brow and gave me a look like "What the heck, Mom?" He tentatively ate two more spoonfuls before he tried to push the spoon away. So definitely not as big a hit as bananas, but much better than a week ago!

My little boy is growing up!

Six Months

Dear Ethan,

How in the world could you possibly be half a year old? Surely you're not the same tiny little baby they placed on my chest six months ago! My how you, and we, have changed!

You are increasingly mobile, inchworming all around, though you can't quite figure out how to lift your head while you attempt to crawl. Once you figure that out, you'll be off and running in no time. We finally had to break out the Pack 'n' Play downstairs since you figured out how to escape the Bumbo, and the bouncer and Boppy haven't contained you in weeks. Now that we've discovered your new favorite food, you're eating 1/4 a banana every day! (Tomorrow we're going to try sweet potato and maybe even rice cereal again to see if you just needed to figure out the mechanics better.) You are so expressive, and everywhere we go people remark on how happy and smiley you are. You just love other people and flirt until they fall in love with you, too.

You're getting bigger every day, too. In this past month, I had to sadly store away all of your six month clothes after continuing to cram you into them longer than I probably should have just because I couldn't believe you were growing so much. These 9 month outfits seemed so incredibly huge when they hung in your closet as a newborn, and now they fit you perfectly. Your weight gain is beginning to slow, but for once that is to be expected since you've been continuing to gain at a newborn pace long after it was supposed to slow at 4 months. You're definitely getting taller as well, and I'm excited to see all of your measurements at your appointment tomorrow!

I know the next six months will fly by, too. More than likely, they'll see your first steps and first words. Hopefully they'll see you learning to put yourself to sleep at night and more reliably sleep through the entire night (currently, you only sporadically sleep all night, usually waking once around 10-11 PM). But even if they don't, I can't wait to see how you continue to change and grow. I know that regardless you'll remain the sweet, wonderful little boy I fall more and more in love with each day.

Love,
Mommy

Since I'm at my computer...

I was working on an assignment while Ethan napped, and since he's still asleep, I might as well do another post. I had several posts in my head, but for the life of me I can't remember what they were about now, so this one is off-the-cuff. Ethan loves bouncing in his Jumperoo (Thanks, Grandmama & Grandpapa!), and I finally got around to taking some videos of him because he's too darn cute doing it. Here's one for you to enjoy:

Solids = Success?

After last weekend's failure, we decided not to keep up the solids attempts for a while. However, this morning Ethan was grabbing for my food as usual and managed to get my banana to his mouth while my head was turned. Unbeknown to me, he actually bit a chunk off, which he subsequently gagged on and spit out. Once I was sure he was OK (he was completely unfazed), I decided to take advantage of his interest and mash up a piece of my banana for him to try. The first spoonful was spit out, but for once he didn't gag. I kept trying, and finally got him to swallow a bit. His face lit up in a smile, and he opened his mouth for more. After a couple more small bites, he was back to spitting it out, so I decided he was probably ready for his morning nap (which he was). Following his nap, I nursed him, and prior to giving him his first bottle of the day, I decided to try again with the banana. He happily swallowed the remaining spoonfuls (still not much since I didn't mash up too much to begin with), with nary a gag or spit! And some of the spoonfuls were pretty full, so I was quite impressed. He seemed to lose interest around the time I ran out of banana, but he continued to smack his lips and play with his tongue like he does after a nursing session to get the last drops, so I think he might actually like it! At the very least, he's beginning to figure out the mechanics. So we may try again with banana tomorrow in hopes that we can soon graduate back to cereals and sweet potato!

Oh, and to address the old wives' tale that babies shouldn't have fruit as a first food: Breast milk is extremely high in sugar so breastfed babies already have a sweet tooth, thus making fruits a natural choice for a first solid. In fact, more and more studies are showing that (white) rice cereal has no place at all in a baby's diet, yet the same people who say you shouldn't give a baby fruit are usually the same people pushing store-bought rice cereal. For more info on this, check out The WhiteOut Movement.

Solids = FAIL

After much debate and reading, we decided to go ahead and try Ethan on solids a week before he turns 6 months since he certainly seemed ready (sitting well unassisted, attempting to grab and eat our food, allowing a spoon to be put into his mouth). I'd made brown rice cereal last weekend and sweet potato puree yesterday morning so yesterday afternoon after his feeding, we put him in the Bumbo and got ready. He was immediately enticed by the new bib:


When I approached him with the plate and spoon, he was very excited and immediately reached out to grab them. In fact, he grabbed the puree off the spoon before I could even get it to his mouth. Thus the messiness began:



Overall, he was not a fan. He enjoyed playing with the food, but very little actually made it into his mouth:


He was quite happy when the whole ordeal was over and it was time for his bath:




Today, we tried again. I thinned down the rice cereal some more and had more success getting him to open his mouth and take it off the spoon. Then he gagged. This isn't too unusual for him since he'll gag on a bottle from time to time, too. However, this was the first time he gagged to the point of vomiting, and up came a couple of ounces of formula and breastmilk. At that point, I called it quits, and I think we're going to take a break from the solids attempts for a little while. At least making the baby food is fun, even if attempting to feed it to him isn't yet.

Motherhood isn't all puppies and rainbows

Too often moms fall into the trap of only talking about the good: the smiles, the laughs, the cuddles. When someone asks how things are going, it's easier to say "We're wonderful!" than it is to talk about sleepless nights and screaming. All moms want to pretend we have it all together and our babies are the most wonderful angels in the world because to do any less might suggest that we aren't as good of a mom as we want to be. But nothing is puppies and rainbows all the time, and motherhood is no exception.

There have been times since I became a mom that I've been overwhelmed. I've been exasperated by Ethan waking multiple times at night for seemingly no reason. I've been frustrated when Ethan refuses the bottle and screams when it comes near his mouth. I've felt like a horrible mom when he tumbled backwards and bumped his head on the desk leg. Don't get me wrong. I love being a mother and I love my son more than I've loved anything in my entire life. I wish I could cuddle with him all night long instead of having to put him "so far away from me" in his crib, but unfortunately I need sleep to function and I'd rather not have Ethan be squished by his daddy in our bed. His smiles, his laughs, even his pouts make the rare scream well worth it. But this blog is about motherhood in its entirety so it's about time I shared my worst moment in motherhood:

That first night home from the hospital.

Because I went into labor on Sunday night and Ethan wouldn't sleep without being held that first night, I hadn't slept since Saturday. By Tuesday night I was so wired from sleep deprivation and anxiety that I was unable to sleep and was physically shaking. Ethan once again wouldn't sleep without being held, plus he kept crying (even though he had a clean diaper and had just eaten! Imagine that!). In desperation, I asked my mom to stay and rock him in the nursery while I tried to go to sleep. When the shaking wouldn't stop, I finally called the on-call OB to ask about taking a Benadryl since I'd gotten mixed information from Google. As the shaking subsided, my mind refused to shut off. First of all, I felt like a failure because we were supposed to be on our own at night, not needing help from Grandmama. It was the first night, and I already was passing the buck! Secondly, I felt horrible about taking medication, even though the doctor said it was fine (I still have some guilt about this and wonder if it influenced my supply issues, even though logically I know they were a result of the PCOS). Finally, I just didn't know what to do with this new creature that relied completely on me while I seemed incapable of caring for him. The thoughts got dark. I felt we had made a horrible mistake. I even seriously contemplated whether my parents would consider taking him with them. All I knew was that I was not capable. I had failed as a mother, and that was it.

Thankfully, I was able to get some sleep (though of course it was brief and in spurts since Ethan needed to nurse). My mom stayed up with him the entire night, rocking and holding him while he slept. And wouldn't you know it, things looked better in the morning light.

Never for a moment did I cease loving him, but I seriously doubted my abilities. Now, Ethan is thriving. And you know what? So am I. I clean the whole house every week, something I didn't even do pre-baby. I cook 4 nights a week (every weeknight I don't have class). I even got an A on my first post-baby grad school paper. Motherhood won't be wonderful all the time. Ethan just has to bump his head, and I'll feel like the worst mother in the world. And he still usually wakes up at least once during the night. But I just need to wait for that morning light.