For the love of breastfeeding

Yes, this is a post solely about breastfeeding, so anyone who doesn't want to hear about it (i.e. my brothers), why don't ya skip this one? Or keep reading and you may learn something!

My nursing relationship with Ethan has been quite a journey, as all breastfeeding relationships are, really. In the beginning, it was painful and anxiety-ridden. For a while, it was just another thing on a long list of baby to-dos. Things I just HAD to do in order to take care of him but that I didn't necessarily enjoy doing. And now? Well, now time spent nursing is my favorite part of the day. Ethan hasn't yet figured out how to sign for milk, but he comes running whenever I sign it to him. And he has his ways of letting me know when he wants to nurse (namely, pulling my shirt down and fussing if I don't immediately unclip the nursing tank... subtle, isn't he?) Lately, he's been wanting to nurse every hour or two, which several months ago would have driven me crazy, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. This is in part because nursing is no longer an hour-long marathon. Instead, he crawls into my lap in the midst of playing, gets his fill, and flips off again, back to his toys. He often even brings a toy with him, never stopping his play during his cuddle with mom. Consequently, most breastfeeding occurs on the floor for minimal play-disruption. As I type this, he's just abandoned messing with his daddy's computer for a quick nursing session after utilizing his oh-so-subtle move. And after just 2 minutes, he's off again, exploring his world. In the mornings, I still get a long cuddle as he nurses for 20-30 minutes right after waking. It's the longest time all day that he's awake and relatively still, and we sit and rock in the silence of his nursery. And it's divine.

When I think about weaning, I actually feel depressed and anxious. I can't imagine not getting to nurse my baby. I have several friends who chose to wean at 6 months for various reasons, and I just think about all that I would have missed. If I stopped nursing then, I never would have gotten to see him stand up while nursing, never losing the breast while he bounced and crawled around my lap. And most women in the US seem to wean at a year, but just think of what all I would miss then! So when do I plan to wean? Whenever Ethan decides he doesn't want to nurse anymore. Even if that means I'm nursing a 5-year-old. Yes, really. I never thought I would feel that way. In fact, when I learned my mother-in-law breastfed my brother-in-law until he was three, I thought she was a bit nuts (sorry, Susan!) But now I get it. And I just hope and pray my supply will keep up for as long as Ethan wants to nurse. ((And I really hope I will have the supply to tandem nurse if that becomes our situation because that couldn't be good for sibling rivalry to wean Ethan so his little brother/sister can have all of mommy's milk.))

Speaking of weaning, the goal had been to wean Ethan off of formula supplements by around 10 months. Well, we didn't make it. In fact, we're not even close. But we did manage to reduce his supplements by 10 oz/day, so that's something at least. Whether that's from increased solids or increased milk supply, I'm not sure. I don't know whether the $100/month in medicinal supplements I'm taking to increase my supply are doing anything at all. I'll admit I finally dropped all pumpings except my evening one and instead I'm just offering Ethan to nurse more often throughout the day. It just got to be too hard to keep up with him now that he's walking. Sometimes I still feel like a failure or like I'm not doing enough to increase my supply. Sometimes I just feel hopeless no matter how hard I work at it. But at least he's getting as much as I can make him, even if it means he has to have some formula, too.

And I've learned from all the bumps this journey has taken. For starters, I made some mistakes early on that definitely could have had lasting effects on my supply. When we were still trying to figure out what was going on with Ethan's weight gain, the lactation consultant thought I might have oversupply since Ethan was having more than adequate diapers but still wasn't gaining. As a result, for a couple of weeks I did block feedings, nursing only on one side so that he could get more of the fatty hindmilk. And that couldn't have been good for my supply. I also would have been more vigilant about pumping early on and doing everything I could to increase supply. I just didn't realize how important it would be, and, as I said above, I still saw breastfeeding as just another thing I had to do. But I can't change the mistakes I made. And now I know better for next time. And in the meantime, I still have an awesome nursing relationship with my son, which I wouldn't trade for anything!

I know many women choose not to breastfeed, are unable to breastfeed, or choose to wean early on, but if you are able, give it a fair shake. It certainly hasn't been easy for me, but I've kept at it, and I'm so glad I did. It's a bond like nothing else in this world.