Back to School, Back to School... (v. 2.0)

I had meant to write this entry before today, but I put it off due to denial, I think. As I mentioned before, I've had very mixed feelings about returning to grad school this semester. This time, I'm leaving Ethan at home with someone from our church, which means if anything happened, it would take me at least an hour to get to him. Plus, since I have to leave during his afternoon nap, he will wake up three days a week to find Mommy has disappeared. I know he'll get used to it, but that doesn't make it any easier to leave.

On the one hand, I'm glad to get a break. For almost 11 hours a week, I don't have a baby hanging off of me. I don't have to listen to him scream on the commute. I get to delve into the material I love, enjoying adult conversations utilizing words like theodicy, apokatastasis, and even arsenokoites. I genuinely enjoy going to class, listening to lecture, and engaging in discussion.

On the other hand, for almost 11 hours a week, I don't get to hold and cuddle with my baby. I miss out on at least one nursing session. I have to worry about what he's doing and if he's OK. I miss out on his life.

Yet on the other hand, it's important that I finish my degree. I cannot move forward with ordination without it, which means I would not be fulfilling my call, nor be as able to find a ministerial job. While the time spent away from him is a sacrifice, it is one for my, and our, future.

Then again, on the other hand, we're spending a decent amount of money for a sitter so that I can PAY to go to school. It's not like I'm going to work, earning money to offset the expense of childcare. Heck, 6 of those 11 hours are just spent driving to campus and taking a bus from my parking lot. I'm paying someone to watch my son so that I can listen to the radio and listen to undergrads talk about who they "banged" at the party last night (true story). It just doesn't make sense!

Since I've more than run out of hands, I'll move on from my ambivalence to recap the first day:

To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I've left Ethan here when I went to class before, but he was with my mom. While I trust Clara, our sitter, a great deal, that's still not the same as family. A bit about Clara first. She first asked if she could babysit Ethan when I was still pregnant. I know the other families she's sat for, and I see how much those kids love her. She's come over three times before to learn the ropes and get Ethan comfortable, and he loves her. But still, she's not Mommy, so I didn't know how he would react.

Clara came about 8 minutes before I needed to leave. We chatted for a few minutes, and just as I was walking out the door, Ethan woke up. We quickly discussed who should go to him, and I ultimately decided to go ahead and go so that I wouldn't upset him by coming in only to immediately leave. I waited in the doorway to the garage, listening, though. He stopped crying when the nursery door opened. A few seconds of silence. A cry at the realization that it wasn't Mommy. And then more silence. I left feeling good about how it would go. Nevertheless, as I drove away, I silently wished for an excuse or a sign to go back home. Driving past a fender-bender, I mused that would by God's way of telling me not to go to class. Heck, even a flat tire would do the job!

When I was less than 10 minutes from campus, in the sketchiest part of the sketchy city I go to school in, I heard a thump and then rumbling. Oh no. I pulled into the parking lot of an urban ministry center and got out to investigate. Flat tire. Crap. Thankfully, I have AAA, so I made the call and was told they would be about 45 minutes, bringing me to 15 minutes after my class was supposed to start. I left a message on my professor's office phone and waited. ((Yes, I do know how to change a flat, but I was worried I'd do it wrong, and in this part of town, I really just wanted to stay in my car)) It only took about 20 minutes, so five minutes before my class started, I was back on the road. I found my new parking lot easily and only had to wait a few minutes for the bus. I raced to my classroom, and amazingly, I was only 15 minutes late. I whispered "Flat tire" to the professor, took a seat, and was reassured by a classmate that I hadn't missed anything =)

After a brief intro to the course, the professor let us out early, so once I apologized again to the professor, said hello to a couple of friends, and got a textbook from the bookstore, I headed home and back to my baby. The bus seemed to take forever, and I sat through two cities' rush hour traffic, but I made it home. Ethan was already in the arms of his daddy, and he seemed pretty thrilled to see me.

Apparently, things went pretty well while I was gone. He started searching for me shortly after I left and burst into tears when he realized I wasn't there, but Clara managed to distract him. He eventually took his bottle, but she had a little trouble with the diapers. Three diapers, one outfit, and a puddle on the carpet later, he was wearing a Polo shirt and no pants when we got home. Hopefully she'll get the hang of it quickly.

So there it is. Sorry this got so long, but you know how I like to record things for posterity. All in all, it was a stressful day, especially with the flat, but we survived. Now to do it all over again tomorrow.