"Mom-petition"

There are some things no one tells you about motherhood. They can't express just how tired you are after weeks of less than 2 hours of sleep a night. They can't explain why anyone would discuss poop with their spouse over dinner as if it's a normal topic of conversation. And they don't warn you about the amount of time you will spend comparing your child/parenting to others (or the amount of time you will spend judging other moms, no matter how hard you try to stop). But from conversations I've had with a variety of other moms, it appears to be a fairly universal phenomenon. So much so that it even has a silly name: Mom-petition.

Now most of it is innocent enough. You puff your chest out with pride as you read status updates from other moms. "What? Your four-month-old isn't sitting independently yet? Ethan did." "Oh, your daughter isn't walking yet? Ethan has been walking for months!" None of these comparisons are ever spoken, of course, but somehow they are thought, as if I had anything to do with when Ethan hit his milestones. As if "When did your child first roll from back to belly?" will be a question on his college applications.

But the comparisons aren't always positive. While Ethan is adding new words almost every day, I still compare him to some other kids his age who seem to be talking a mile a minute and just hope that he will catch up. Apparently I expect him to be at the forefront of everything. Also, when Ethan was struggling so much with his weight gain, I'd compare him to other babies with dismay. Heck, even though his weight has been fine for a year now, I still compare his weights when he was younger to the weights of other young babies, feeling like a failure because someone else's exclusively breastfed 2-month-old has gained 5+ lbs. compared to Ethan's 1.5. And this is where it translates to parenting, too.

On the one hand, I feel proud of our extended breastfeeding when I hear of someone who stops after just a few weeks, or even after six months or a year. And yet I compare myself to all those women with normal supplies and feel completely inferior. Someone talks about only pumping 4 oz., and all I can think of is that the most I've ever pumped is 2 oz. Once. When Ethan was 2 months old.

Sometimes it seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't in this world of judgment and comparison. For example, we coslept for the first 3 months but then moved Ethan to his crib when he began rolling onto his belly and his swing was no longer safe. He's mostly been in his crib since then, but during times where he wouldn't sleep, we've had periods of bedsharing. Tell that to some people and they are aghast that we would dare do such a "dangerous" thing. But then others judge us for forcing him to sleep alone in another room and speak of bedsharing as if it's the only humane way to let your child sleep. And let's not even get into the fact that we used a modified Ferber with him.

There are times I hate that I judge, but it seems like I can't help it. I impulsively judge moms who use a Bjorn or who wear their child facing outwards because they haven't researched enough to know better, failing to recognize that at least they realize the importance of babywearing. It's gotten to the point that when my husband sees them, too, and makes the "cat fight meow" noise because he knows me too well.

It seems like no matter how hard you work and what your circumstances are, as a mom you will always compare yourself to others and come up short in your eyes. And sometimes that will motivate you to do more. For example, while I interact with Ethan all day long, in comparing myself with other moms, I feel like I should do more actual activities with him, like crafts, sensory boxes, etc. And so I'm going to try to do that. Other times the comparisons get you nowhere, like my constant battle with guilt over my lack of supply. But whether positive or negative, productive or... not, the mom-petition is a fact of motherhood. It's why the debates over breastfeeding vs. formula, stay-at-home mom vs. working mom, etc. are so constant. Nothing makes you doubt yourself more than becoming a mother so you're constantly seeking affirmation that you're doing OK, that your kid is special, or at least that you're doing better than that lady over there and your kid is definitely smarter than that one. I'd like to think that maybe it gets better over time, but I don't know that it does. After all, then there are SAT scores and college admissions to compare and eventually we start all over again comparing grandchildren.

Even as I'm writing this, I'm reading through another blog and marveling that this mom still lets her one-year-old use a pacifier around the house. It makes me wonder what other moms judge me about, what pictures I've posted or stories I've told that have made them gasp and shake their heads. Perhaps this confession that I judge will be at the top of the list. Maybe it'll be that I'm sanctimonious about breastfeeding and babywearing. Maybe it's that I'm raising my son to be a Duke fan. All of these are fitting criticisms (well, except for the last one -- that's just called raising him right), but none of them are things I would apologize for. What about you? What do you judge other moms for? Where do you stand in the mom-petition?