Tetelestai! (or not)

On a happier note, I just submitted my last final paper for the semester and am therefore done until August! This has left me with mixed feelings. On the one hand, I'm proud to have headed back to school just as I'd planned. And to top it off, I did well! I got an A in my graded course and will get a P in the other one (Thank goodness for pass-fail! I may only end up with a B+ or A- in the course since I certainly slacked off a lot, but I definitely at least passed). So I proved I can do grad school with an infant.

Then on the other hand, I'm reminded constantly that I should be graduating here in two weeks. All of my friends are posting status updates about submitting their last paper of div. school or their last paper of school EVER, and here I am with another year and a half. I could ignore the countdowns until graduation because they were still abstract. But then came senior cross day. And closing convocation. And the senior picture. Not to mention commissioning interviews, job interviews, and appointments. All the things I should be doing now, but I'm not. And yes, I'm doing something incredibly rewarding in raising my son, but I still have a feeling of being left out. As I hugged one of my friends goodbye on the last day of class, we realized we very well may never see one another again. The week after graduation, she's moving back to Texas, and while there are always conferences and continuing ed., our friendship may be relegated to emails and facebook. For some reason, leaving high school and college friends didn't hit me as hard. Perhaps because we were leaving at the same time or I was the one leaving early. Now I'm the one left behind.

And yet, I cannot fathom graduating and looking for a job right now. Maybe it's because I'm fully entrenched in the world of motherhood. But I'm glad my time at the div. school isn't over (even though I might wish for an end to the commute and I certainly don't look forward to leaving Ethan next year). I love the people, I love the classes, I love the reading, I love the places. It's comforting and engaging and enjoyable. And I'll still have some friends there next year, between Ph.D/Th.D. students, professors, and a few 1st and 2nd years I know, plus student pastors and M.Div/MSWs that entered my year. And several of my friends are staying in the area so I'll still see them, even if not in class.

And so with mixed feelings, I say goodbye to many of my friends of the last three years and look forward to my first summer of freedom since the summer after high school (the summer after college doesn't really count since it was full of wedding plans and moving). And I'm looking forward to my fall classes, which helps, too. It may take me an extra year, but I'm going to press on and finish strong!